a porch

a simple thing like
a porch 
can be a sanctuary to me
i can sit on my porch
neighbor's rock and roll thumping through the street
millions of insects quietly humming
the music of the trees
surrounding my porch
although it is fenced in
i do not feel fenced in
the fresh air
breeze
zone out the sounds
until it is just me
absolutely free
in my mind i could be
having tea
under the sea
multiplying by three
as small as a golf tee
drinking diet pepsi
swinging from a tree
in a sanctuary
where am i really?
a porch.

jealousy of me

i look back 
and i feel jealous of myself
is that possible,
to be jealous of yourself? 
i wonder if i will ever be as good
or bad
as i was then
the frightening thought that you will never be who you were
yesterday 
at 3 o'clock
last year
when you were six
i have changed
for better or worse
yet i am still jealous of 
who 
i 
was

there were two desks next to me

there were two desks next to me
but you still sat over there
there were two desks next to me 
but i'm sure you didn't care
there were two desks next to me
are you so self absorbed
not to think what i will feel
when those two desks are ignored?

his eyes, his hand

he scribbles
trying to capture a face
trap it 
capture it
enclose it
nose straighter
lips fuller
when he arrives at the eyes
his hand jerking upward to the curve of the forehead
like an arm reaching
reaching for his vision
reaching to tap you on the shoulder
say "hey"
he pauses
the eyes
scribble, rubs
his finger, his pencil are 
one
step back
the endless shuffle
step back, consider
his hand jerks upward to the faded gray eyes
when he finishes
i look
the eyes black
black smudges
holes on the rough white paper

awkward

i wonder sometimes
am i awkward?
small talk novice
shifty smile
full silence
thoughts repeating
what is she thinking?
should i say something? 
would it be more
awkward?
will i ever know...
what it's like to feel completely comfortable
small talk expert
want to be like a superhero 
in my books
in my dreams
could read minds
know the thoughts i can't hear
know the words i fear
am i awkward?
maybe
maybe not