if, when, then

“when,”

he says

implying that there’s a guarantee

“if,”

says she

denying his plea

will we ever figure everything out?

preceding with a “when”

not an “if”

will we ever find the answers to everything?

will anyone ever give us them?

when we do

if we do

i hope it’s soon.

before

i keep on feeling 
as if i should document my life
as it comes
so quickly
i keep on feeling 
as if time is passing more quickly than before
though i lie in bed
hoping to sleep well
hoping to fall quickly
hoping the next day will come faster
as these days come
i keep on feeling
as if they should rewind
that i must have wasted
all that time
i keep on feeling
as if i will look upon this time in my life
and only see flashes
only blinking photos set into the locket that is
my mind
that if i don't document my life
i will somehow lose it
i keep on thinking
about how i am myself now
and in a second i will be someone else
mutually exclusive beings
that i can't recognize the me i was
or am
or will be
even if it was the past
i keep on feeling
as if i don't know that person
and i can never get them back
and the panic of thinking about
my lost infinity of different selves
sets in
frightening me
and my heart beats
faster than before
before
what is before?
my panicked heart only sets me further away
and i keep on feeling
as if there is no way to reverse this treacherous movement
before
what is before?

a momentary fullness

in sync, distinct
the two kinds of warmth
in the world
the first, 
one that reminds me of puppy paws
and hot metal grates
the second, 
of soft touches
a feeling
a warmth
that rises in my core
that spreads like vacuum released
and so quickly as it scatters
it dissipates into a fog
of longing for warmth number two
a lifelong waiting
breached by momentary releases
a cavernous, constant pocket
momentarily filled
and i will never lose that missing piece
or is it already lost
and i will never lose that missing piece
or is it finally breached